It’s nice and cozy inside my head

Whenever I clean my apartment I stumble upon old notebooks and folders with notes for my “happy place”. I never threw any of it out, I’ve kept it all. Every single note since I was 13 or 14. Sometimes I take the time and go through them to rediscover ideas and memories. Most of the time I’m amazed by how stupid some of those ideas were and it’s really weird to look at all the unfinished lists I made and the maps I drew. Yes, I drew maps of the imaginary towns. They weren’t good maps, I am not a good drawer, but they were colorful and they were mine. No one else could see what I saw in my head. No one else knew those people. I used to change the premise a lot. Probably because if my own insecurity, I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know what I want, it was different every day. Sometimes my happy place was in the future, sometimes on a starship out in space, in the future, in a big city, in a small town, in a castle, the names of the people changed, their jobs and relationships changed. I had a good time making it all up, it was way better than reality.
There aren’t a lot of changes nowadays. I think I’ve found the perfect premise. Most of the time at least, I still switch sometimes, but there are only 2 or 3 different settings where there used to be around 20. I am not even sure how it all started, it was just there one day. And the characters have grown with me. Back when I was 13 the characters were super-human, no flaws with perfect lives. It’s not like that anymore, they are human now, more real.
Sometimes I wish others could see and know those people too, and I try to let them have a glimpse of that happy place (on this blog) but most of it remains inside my head and that fantasy will die with me one day.


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