I don’t even know how to start or what I want to write but there are some things that are always on my mind and pull me down. This entry doesn’t really have a point, I’m just writing about what’s going through my mind right now.
I know that I should be happy at this point in my life, I’ve got a secure job, I’ve got my own apartment, I am independent and I can do what I want. But I feel that this is exactly part of the problem. I can do what I want and no one cares. I should be used to that by now, because no one ever cared about what I did. I was cool with that when I was younger, I was practically invisible at school, tried to avoid any attention. I was never sure if anyone really liked me because most of them only talked to me when they wanted something. I think back when I was 14 or 15 something in me just gave up. I just wanted to be left alone forever, do my own thing till I die.
People scared me, everyone at school scared me, social situations of all kind scared me and I was confused about it. I was too shy and insecure to ask for help. I was never good at asking for help anyway, that hasn’t changed.
But now that I am really able to think about all the shit that happened in my life I am starting to realize how screwed up I am. I’ve been suppressing emotions and thoughts for my entire life and it’s starting to surface. I can’t keep it down any longer. Every day there are moments when I could start to cry any second, I never do. All I think is that when I get home I can cry all I want. But I never do that. There is so much stuff that just wants to break out and I have no idea what to do with that. All I know is that I can’t do it alone. It’s just too much. I need help, I know that. The part of me that gave up living a long time ago needs to wake up. It’s time to start living and time to get to know myself, to learn who I am.