I don’t know how to live

I don’t even know how to start or what I want to write but there are some things that are always on my mind and pull me down. This entry doesn’t really have a point, I’m just writing about what’s going through my mind right now.

I know that I should be happy at this point in my life, I’ve got a secure job, I’ve got my own apartment, I am independent and I can do what I want. But I feel that this is exactly part of the problem. I can do what I want and no one cares. I should be used to that by now, because no one ever cared about what I did. I was cool with that when I was younger, I was practically invisible at school, tried to avoid any attention. I was never sure if anyone really liked me because most of them only talked to me when they wanted something. I think back when I was 14 or 15 something in me just gave up. I just wanted to be left alone forever, do my own thing till I die.

People scared me, everyone at school scared me, social situations of all kind scared me and I was confused about it. I was too shy and insecure to ask for help. I was never good at asking for help anyway, that hasn’t changed.

But now that I am really able to think about all the shit that happened in my life I am starting to realize how screwed up I am. I’ve been suppressing emotions and thoughts for my entire life and it’s starting to surface. I can’t keep it down any longer. Every day there are moments when I could start to cry any second, I never do. All I think is that when I get home I can cry all I want. But I never do that. There is so much stuff that just wants to break out and I have no idea what to do with that. All I know is that I can’t do it alone. It’s just too much. I need help, I know that.  The part of me that gave up living a long time ago needs to wake up. It’s time to start living and time to get to know myself, to learn who I am.

3 Comments

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3 responses to “I don’t know how to live

  1. pittiger

    Would life be easier if we were part of a TV show?
    We all could be brothers like Sam & Dean and we could have emotional talks like Dean did when talking about hell. We could get angry and shove things like lamps from the table (oh, I did that with a telephone! broke in 1000 pieces) or pin the other one on to the wall.
    We could take the car and drive through the scenery and grab a beer. (URGS!)

    But this is the REAL LIFE. There´s not much space for “I love yous” or real hugs. I know that I care a lot but can´t really show it.

    I can´t offer you “whenever you´d like to talk, I´ll be there” or something like that. Real life, remember? Work. Partner. Duties. Limited time.
    But we´ll meet. If you´d like. And you could choose what to do. (Besides grabbing a beer, LOL)
    And yes, I feel a bit silly now to write in such a … pathetic way. But it helps a lot to say it in english!😉 And under the cover of the wide wide web.

    I´ll click on SEND now before I make up my mind.

    You´re welcome, Jo.

  2. I really hope you start to feel better. If you seek out help, I hope it helps a lot. You’re not alone in feeling like this. I’ve been pretty socially isolated myself and had some really rough patches in my life that made me realized I was really screwed up too.

    My adult life didn’t really start getting better till 2009, long story. I hope your turning point is coming soon. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for you. BTW, I saw you don’t like music much either, same here! I know I tweet music every now and then, but I kinda struggle to think of songs. I’m like you I just listen to a few songs, really, & not a big music fan.

  3. NaNa

    I guess now that you’re realizing that you need help… it’s a start. Don’t suppress your feelings. If you have the feeling to cry, then cry. Perhaps you’ll feel better after that. I do. You know we have a lot in common, I told you some things about my “inner me”. I already offered you that you can always email me; I still do. Whenever you want to write me something, do it. I will answer asap. Even if you don’t realize it: I care a lot about you and I like you!!! From the bottom of my heart I wish that you find the help you need and start living! Life is so wonderful, Jo…

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